I've been so mad at God recently. I hate the situation we are in right now. I hate scraping by each month hoping we have enough to pay our bills and not knowing what to do if we don't. I hate that we have been married 5 years and are worse off financially now than we were when we got married. I hate that I can't enjoy Max and Grant as much as I should because I have a constant pit in my stomach. I've just been mad. God and I have been duking it out. You know how it is so easy to have faith when you don't need it? If someone were to come up to me complaining about how God isn't providing blah blah blah I'd tell them to "Be patient; pray; it'll all work out..." (FYI: not a good response for someone who feels hopeless). But I haven't believed it for myself. I know God can provide for us but I honestly didn't think He would. I thought Nate and I would have to struggle through on our own with God just watching shaking His head in shame. We had two BIG bills due on July 1st (mortage and mother's day out), the total of both over $900. How in the world were we going to pay them? Nate really didn't want to ask his parents for money and I had just received a check from my mom to get my account positive! So when we got a card yesterday from friends with a check for more than we needed I just gasped and started crying. God is still there even when you think He's not. Even if you think the deadlines are past and there is no way short of a miracle that you can pay your bills the miracle will happen. God is good... even if you don't always believe He is and you are mad at Him. God worked a miracle just yesterday in our lives in case some of you doubt that He still does crazy things like that.
(sidenote: the lady at mother's day out is really patient and never mentioned not being paid on time and we don't get a late fee on our mortage unless it's received after the 17th... so really, perfect timing)
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I think as a Christian, we all have moments we ask God, you still up there? You listening to me? Am I important enough in your whole big wide kingdom for you to actually pay attention to me? I know I am quick to undermine God when I don't get an answer as fast as I want it thinking he isn't listening. I have heard the story from Kurt's cousins about once not having enough money to pay the toll when driving from Tulsa to Fayetteville and so he said a little prayer that God would deliver and once he pulled up to the toll booth, he opened his door and the 25 cents he needed was lying on the ground. Then I even heard from a lady at work that was identical to the email that gets passed around every so often about her daughter who needed food for her babies and in a place of great need, the daughter opened up her door and a bag of groceries was just sitting on her porch step. God is amazing. And your story is just another chapter in the book of life that God scripted that reminds us that He is all powerful and all knowing and all good. Thank you for sharing--it renews hope in us all that God is still there and, yes, he listens, and cares. We're praying for you guys. God is awesome.
Can you imagine the faith it takes to drive up to the toll booth without any money?
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